The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
