Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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