I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
