well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
