If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
whose parrot is this?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
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