I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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