Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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