the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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