I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize