he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
