The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I have post one night stand depression
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