So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
