I puked a lego.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
