My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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