You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
