Already got asked if we're dating
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
