Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
