Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
