It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
