You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
