oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm too high and old for this...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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