it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
