We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
