I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
