she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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