Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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