So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
