I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
