You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
