I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Everyone says I win the strip club
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize