k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
