The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
