I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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