i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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