I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he told me I talked like a deaf person
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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