yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
