did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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