At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
