How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
