idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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