Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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