I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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