Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
