Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize