He passed out mid-signature
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
