watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
