Your face is a jimmy john
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
