someone threw a dead crab at me
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The air was thick with penises
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
