she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
