the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
