Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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