You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
