your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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