# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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