i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
