She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
