Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
