hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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