gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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