Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
