: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
