And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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