Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Someone signed my nipple.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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