It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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