i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
