i wish my penis had a tongue
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
