so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
